I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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