All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
