Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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