She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
