I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
