Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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