If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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