I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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