im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
