im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
