Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
