Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
