The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
