I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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