She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
