Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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