I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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