she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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