everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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