you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
