I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
