More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
