If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
