Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
