nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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