This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
