Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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