I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you made out with another girl for some wings
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Your penis caused this!
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