I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
