I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
