Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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