Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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