she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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