apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
don't judge my taste in strippers
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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