community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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