So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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