when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
