so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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