This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
