I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
