so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
