they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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