"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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