GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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