I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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