his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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