Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
