I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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