dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
