zippers are such a cool invention
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
