I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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