The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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