Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
