my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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